Choices
by Dapper
Summary: On the journey to Valinor, Haldir reflects back on his life and a certain peredhel. Slash and angst with a happy ending.
1. Chapter 1

**CHOICES, Haldir/Elladan, (1/4)**

**Disclaimer:** Tolkein's. Not mine.

**Beta:** Jayed & Agie

**Pairing: ** Elladan/Haldir

**Author's Notes: **Written for Ardour in August fanfic exchange. Request was for**: "**If it comes to that..." Angst, death, happy ending in Valinor, self sacrifice.

**Warnings: ** Character death, angst

**Summary: ** On the journey to Valinor, Haldir recalls life on Arda.

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Oaths. His entire existence had been ruled by them, and ruined by them. His oath to his Lady. Elladan's oath to his brother. His oath to Elladan. He would not be forsworn. He still had his honour; for all that it was worth.

Honour was the only thing that had kept him on these shores. His pride was gone, along with his joy and passion. He was still as competent and formidable as he had always been but it no longer held any meaning for him. He was a warden without a wood to protect, a Galadhel without a lady to serve, an elf without a mate to love. By all these he had defined his purpose. What was he without them? He was nothing.

Haldir watched the dark-haired peredhel run his hand along the smooth grain of the taffrail, looking back out over the ocean. This was the last they would ever see of Arda. He was not sad to see it vanishing into the distance. The land that had once been his home had brought him nothing but pain in the end. Valinor would not ease his torment, though at long last he would be free of the oath that had bound him to the peredhel line. As soon as they reached their destination he planned to leave. He would put as much distance between the two of them as possible, for he could no longer stand to be near him.

Just looking at him brought a sharp, constricting spasm to the dull, lingering ache that had resided in his chest these long, lonely years. His breath caught painfully as those cool, grey eyes turned upon him, regarding him with a detached aloofness that was so unlike the warm, mischievous glint he longed to see.

Once it was he who turned from them. He remembered all too clearly the day that had changed…

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The first time Haldir ever laid eyes on the twin sons of Elrond he hadn't been terribly impressed. They were coltish, ungainly, gangly youths, brimming with an enthusiasm that far exceeded their experience. Time had done little to alter this viewpoint. With each subsequent visit, their presence sent ever more ripples of chaos careening through the tranquillity of the Golden Wood. They were, in Haldir's not-so-humble opinion, disruption personified.

In the mornings they invaded the training grounds, challenging any and all to match them with bow or blade. Either would do. In the afternoons he would invariably find himself clearing up after the havoc they had caused with their own particular brand of mischief: path markers that had been swapped about, leading visitors in circles; or strategically placed furs that caused hunters to waste their arrows. On one particular occasion all the Galadhrim's grey cloaks that had been sent to be laundered were found with large targets painted on their backs. Haldir had been less than impressed.

As for the evenings – they were the worst! The pair cut a swathe through the unmarried population of Lothlorien, seducing elleth and ellon alike with their potent good looks, winning personalities and significant status. It was the latter that prevented Haldir from retaliating. He was only a warden, after all, and it was not his place to chastise the Lady Galadriel's grandsons. He contented himself with steering clear of the pair, lest he do something he might later regret.

His indignation was perhaps understandable when, upon their return to the Golden Wood after an interval of several decades, the Lady had assigned him to personally escort them through the borders and settle them into their rarely used yet excessively luxurious guest talan.

The pair strode ahead of him, far too engrossed with their conversation to pay him the slightest heed. They had no need for an escort; they had been here enough times to know their way around as well as any native. It galled him to be relegated to such a ceremonial duty when he would be of much greater use out on the borders. He ground his teeth in frustration, rankled by their flippant disregard of his presence. He may not be able to boast any noble blood, but what status he did have he had earned with sweat and blood and tears. What had these two whippersnappers ever done?

"Something on your mind, Haldir?" One of the twins had turned to regard him, quicksilver eyes weighing him up as if he were horseflesh at market.

Haldir met his gaze boldly. "Nothing I'd care to share."

Rather than being offended at his surly tone, the peredhel merely smiled, and Haldir found his attention snared by the sensuous, pink lips quirking at the corner. He tore his eyes away from the sight, glaring at the pair.

The brothers shared an amused look. "Elrohir is going to visit some old friends. I'm afraid it's just you and me from this point on, Warden."

That must be Elladan, then. "The Lady wishes to greet you this evening." Haldir narrowed his eyes accusingly at the one he now knew to be Elrohir.

"I will be there! There is plenty of time to… ah… catch up before then." Elrohir grinned cheekily and turned to his brother. "Have fun, tôr! I know I will!"

Haldir could only watch as the younger twin disappeared into the trees, eager to renew past acquaintances.

"You have younger brothers as well, so I'm told?"

"I do," came Haldir's clipped reply. If Elladan was put off by Hadir's reticence, however, he did not show it.

The dark-haired peredhel only smirked, a very mischievous and very wicked smirk at that. "Twas Elrohir that told me."

Haldir grunted noncommittally in reply. What was that supposed to mean?

Elladan moved off, still smiling, and he fell into step beside him. The peredhel had grown into adulthood gracefully, he grudgingly admitted. Where he was once lanky, he was now tall and powerfully built. Where there was once awkwardness, there was now confidence and poise. A warrior's form, like his own… and yet, not. Elladan was broader in the chest and the line of his jaw more sharply cut – testaments to his half-elven heritage. Haldir should have found these features strange, unnatural even, but in Elladan the two worlds merged flawlessly, strikingly. He was both elf and man. He was well named indeed.

"We have never talked, Warden. Why is that?"

Elladan's question interrupted Haldir's musings. "I am often away on duty. Our paths rarely cross."

"They have crossed now. We should avail ourselves of this opportunity."

"Opportunity?" Haldir raised a scornful brow.

"Your skills are highly esteemed. I have long desired to test them for myself."

"Regretfully, I must decline. I have duties to attend to this afternoon."

"No you don't." Elladan replied lightly. "Elrohir and I decided to give you the afternoon off."

"What?"

"We decided not to create any work for you on this visit, as amusing as it is to watch you fume."

"You… decided not to…" Haldir halted abruptly, staring at Elladan with furious disbelief. "You watch me?"

"Of course. You are most entertaining… in many ways. I must admit it has been difficult devising new methods of keeping you within the borders."

"Are you trying to tell me that all those ridiculous stunts you pull are for my benefit?" Haldir's voice was deceptively calm, in stark contrast to the bright anger in his eyes and the reflexive tightening of his fists.

"That's about the long and short of it. Though I'd say they're more for my benefit than yours," Elladan replied with a chuckle.

Haldir could not honestly say what came over him next. An ugly rage uncoiled swiftly in his gut, swelled up to his chest, and out to his limbs with all the destructive force of a forest fire. In that moment, Haldir forgot all about station and rank and propriety. All he saw was a cheeky little upstart with the gall, the sheer audacity, to confess such disrespect to his face with nary a hint of apology!

Teeth bared in a feral snarl he lashed out, a satisfying pain flaring up his fist and into his arm. Elladan's head snapped back with an audible crack. Haldir caught the surprise in his grey eyes as the peredhel was spun, stumbling, to his knees.

Elladan raised a shaky hand to his mouth, coughed, and spat. The small spot of blood seemed out of place against the cool green grass.

For a heartbeat the scene froze into utter stillness. The warden was tense, horrified. He had struck his Lady's grandson! What punishment would be sufficient for his offence?

"Well…" Elladan began after a moment's awkward silence, working his jaw as he stood, "I suppose I deserved that."

Haldir did not reply; his pride would not allow him to make the apologies decorum demanded. He met Elladan's eyes with a defiant thrust of his chin.

Haldir's actions only seemed to amuse Elladan for, despite the savage split in his lip, the peredhel grinned easily. "Ah, Haldir. You did not let me finish and I am growing tired of pussyfooting around. Do you not want to know why I visit the training grounds every morning? Do you not want to know why Elrohir and I plan our mischief in such a way that it is always you who has to stay behind and fix it?"

"Yes, pray tell, exactly how have I offended you to such an extent that you make my life unbearable each time you visit?"

"You have not offended me, irksome though you may be. In fact, it's safe to say the opposite is true. You…" Here Elladan paused and, though he could not be certain, Haldir fancied he saw that smile falter. "You please me, Haldir. You please me greatly and I would like to get to know you."

Haldir blinked. "What?"

"I would like to get to know you." Elladan repeated seriously. "Come, spend this afternoon with me."

"I will not! I am not the least bit interested in getting to know you!"

"Would you prefer the alternative? I'm not entirely out of ideas to keep you occupied yet."

"You wouldn't!"

"Wouldn't I?" Elladan chuckled. "It's your choice Haldir. Either you spend the afternoon with me or I find some other way to keep you entertained. What say you?"

Haldir scowled. So Elladan wanted his company, did he? He could oblige the impertinent whelp just this once, he supposed. After all, it should only take one afternoon to convince the young peredhel of the grave mistake he was making. All he had to do was be his usual charming self. Elladan would have his tail tucked between his legs by nightfall.


	2. Chapter 2

**CHOICES, Haldir/Elladan, (2/4)**

**Disclaimer:** Tolkein's. Not mine.

**Beta:** Jayed & Agie

**Pairing: ** Elladan/Haldir

**Author's Notes: **Written for Ardour in August 2008 fanfic exchange. Request was for**: "**If it comes to that..." Angst, death, happy ending in Valinor, self sacrifice.

**Warnings: ** Character death, angst

**Summary: ** On the journey to Valinor, Haldir recalls life on Arda.

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The wind had picked up, lifting a fine salt spray over the bow and into Haldir's face. He watched as Legolas crept up behind his lover and wrapped his arms around him, nipping at his neck playfully. Delighted laughter filled the air and the couple embraced, oblivious to all others. Haldir turned away. It was all too easy to imagine his lips on that smooth, pale throat, his hands on that trim waist, as he breathed in the deep, earthy scent that was uniquely Elladan's, all oakmoss and pepper.

It was both easier and harder than it had been at first. Orophin and Rumil had rallied to him just as they had always done, just as he would have done for them. Legolas had gone travelling with his dwarf friend Gimli and for a time he could pretend nothing had changed. That it was just him and Elladan as it had always been.

Then Legolas returned to be with his lover at the end, to support him as first Aragorn and then Arwen succumbed to the fate of men.

It should have been his place to console Elladan. It should have been his duty as his bonded mate but he had been denied, rejected. It was never the same afterwards. Theirs had always been a tumultuous relationship but from that point on an uneasy tension grew between them, leading to unresolved arguments fraught with awkward silences. He knew he was not worthy when he had asked, yet he could never quite bring himself to regret the day he'd asked Elladan to bind with him.

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"Ai, Elladan, you are magnificent!"

"Not here… for the… conversation… Haldir!" Elladan groaned, arching his back into Haldir's secure grip.

Haldir delighted in the vision before him, a pleased, possessive rumble rising in his throat. Elladan squirmed wantonly into his slow, steady rhythm, urging him to pick up his pace, but Haldir was enjoying his lover's torment far too much. He held the peredhel in place with uncompromising hands, driving deep into that firm, trim body, all hard planes and solid muscle.

No matter how many times he claimed his lover, Haldir was continuously awed that this handsome, strong, powerful creature would allow him to do so. Awed and elated. He would never get enough of his wicked, impudent peredhel.

Elladan's head was thrown back, dark hair spilling loose over the edge of the bed, emitting the most extraordinary noises. When Elladan bucked violently and yelped, it was all Haldir could do to not spend right there and then. Oh Valar! How his beautiful lover excited him!

"Haldir!" Elladan snapped out in frustration when the warden stilled.

Haldir shuddered, his stomach and buttocks clenching tight to prevent the impending sensation. "Ai! Don't move!" he gasped, closing his eyes against the erotic sight beneath him. He missed, therefore, the entirely-too-naughty expression that settled on Elladan's features.

"What was that, meleth?" Elladan purred, rolling his hips.

Haldir bit back a choked cry.

"Is something the matter?"

"You know perfectly well… oh! Oh Valar!" Haldir cried out as the tight heat surrounding him suddenly contracted, annihilating his tenuous control. "Elladan! You! You…!"

There was nothing for it. Surrendering to the rising wave of pleasure he let go, slamming hard into his lover, much to the incorrigible peredhel's delight.

Elladan writhed shamelessly against him, an anticipatory gleam in his eyes as they met Haldir's brilliant blue.

A few ragged, erratic breaths and it was enough; Haldir spilled himself with a cry that was as much irritation as it was ecstasy. "Bastard," Haldir grunted, lowering his head to the crook of Elladan's neck, breathing hard in the aftermath of their coupling.

Elladan chuckled, trailing a series of teasing little kisses along the edge of his ear. "Enjoy yourself, did you?"

Haldir mumbled unintelligibly in reply.

"Good. Now it's my turn."

"What?" Haldir looked up just in time to see Elladan smirk at him. In an instant he was flipped unceremoniously onto his back. He barely had time to voice a protest before his dark-haired lover parted his thighs. By the time he found the words Elladan's tongue had already found his entrance, and suddenly he wasn't all that interested in protesting anymore.

When Haldir was once again able to think clearly, he found himself clinging to a bedpost with one foot on the floor, one foot on the bed, and Elladan easing from his now very tender backside. _Ai, Elbereth!_ Haldir thought through the haze in his mind. How he loved his afternoons!

His satisfaction was rudely interrupted by a bundle of silver and red fabric hitting the side of his head. He caught it as it fell, shook it out and smiled. This was one of his favourite lounging robes, which Elladan knew all too well. He shrugged it on and tied it loosely about his waist before joining his lover on the couch.

Elladan poured a glass of watered-down wine and passed it to him wordlessly before pouring his own. He smiled contentedly as Elladan settled against him, leaning his head on his shoulder. They did not need to talk; this was a routine they had developed over several centuries.

Not long after that memorable day on which Elladan had declared his interest, Haldir had realised the depth of his commitment. His feelings for Elladan far surpassed those of casual lovers and, though Elladan had never admitted it, he suspected those feelings were reciprocated.

And therein lay the problem. Elladan was a prince, a lord. He was a mere warden. It was a match that few would approve of. It all came down to status, in the end. It was this knowledge that had generated the most determined, relentless and single-minded rise through the ranks that the Galadhrim had ever recorded. Three hundred-odd years and Haldir was promoted to Captain of the southern border. A mere six hundred and thirty-eight years after that, Haldir had made March-warden. He now commanded the entirety of Lothlórien's forces, second only to Lord Celeborn himself.

It was phenomenal. It was unprecedented. And it was all because of Elladan. Haldir drew the warm figure to him and pressed his lips against the side of the dark head, steeling his considerable resolve. It was time.

"Elladan?"

"Mmm?"

"We have been together for some time, have we not?"

"Nearly a millennia. Why do you ask?"

"Have you ever given thought to making our situation more… exclusive?"

Elladan blinked, the hand holding his glass paused midway to his lips. Slowly he twisted to look sidelong at his lover. "Haldir, unless there's something you're not telling me, neither of us has lain with another for at least eight hundred years. How much more exclusive can we get?"

"Nay! There has been no other! Perhaps exclusive is not the right word."

"Luckily for you, it is not your command of the spoken language that attracts me. Would you like me to fetch Rumil? I hear he's quite the scholar." Elladan arched an imperious brow in question, drawing a smile from the blond warrior. Of all the traits to inherit from his father! It looked so very odd when paired with Elladan's lopsided grin.

"Elladan! Can you not cease your teasing for even one moment? I am trying to say something important here!" Haldir set his glass down and took hold of Elladan's hands with his.

"Forgive me, meleth. I'll try to be serious." Elladan made an exaggerated show of schooling his features, sat up straight and cleared his throat. He was the very image of a diplomat.

Haldir knew better, of course; the glimmer in Elladan's eyes gave him away. Still, it would suffice. Haldir took a breath and began. "Elladan Elrondion. I admire you without reservation, desire you without inhibition. I've never felt for someone the way I feel for you. You make my world a better place with just your smile. Bind with me, meleth-nin. Grant me your smiles for all time." Haldir pinned Elladan with an earnest stare, noting with no small amusement the gobsmacked expression on his love's face.

"Haldir!" Elladan sputtered, incredulous. "Did you just… did you just propose to me?"

"Yes, I suppose I did," Haldir replied smugly.

"But… I…" Elladan abruptly stood and crossed the room.

Haldir watched the emotions flit across the half-elf's features with rising concern.

Stunned glee slowly gave way to dismay, and when Elladan finally looked back at him, it was with resigned anguish. "I can't."

"You… can't? Why not?" Haldir rose to join him but Elladan quickly evaded his grasp as surely as he avoided his eyes.

"I can't! I'm sorry, Haldir."

"That's not an answer!" Haldir was aware of the mounting volume of his voice, his anger borne of frustration. "Why can't you? Am I not good enough? Is that it? What more do I have to do to be worthy of you?"

"It has nothing to do with you!"

"It has everything to do with me! You are not giving me a fair chance, Elladan! How can I win you if you won't even tell me how I can prove myself?"

"You already have!" Elladan yelled back at him, slicing his hand through the air. "You already have, meleth, and if it were my choice I would… but I can't!"

Haldir stared at his dark-haired lover in bewilderment. Elladan looked back at him from the other side of the table. He may as well have been in another realm for all the distance between them in that moment. "Then whose choice is it, Elladan?" he asked softly.

Elladan turned away to look out of the window. A long silence passed before Elladan spoke once more. "We swore an oath, Elrohir and I. We promised we would make our choice together – to cleave to elvenkind or take the road of mortality. He is not ready to make that choice yet."

"You would choose a mortal life for him?" Haldir gasped. He felt the words as surely as a physical blow to his gut.

"He is my twin. You can't understand the bond between us. He is my brother, and I swore an oath to him."

"Even if it means your death?"

"If it comes to that."

Haldir fell heavily onto the couch and rested his head in his hands. Never before had he felt so powerless. There was nothing he could do. The problem wasn't that Elladan didn't love him. He did love him. He just loved honour more. And, Valar help him, Haldir understood that all too well.

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	3. Chapter 3

**CHOICES, Haldir/Elladan (3/4)**

**Disclaimer:** Tolkein's. Not mine.

**Beta:** Jayed & Agie

**Pairing: ** Elladan/Haldir

**Author's Notes: **Written for Ardour in August 2008 fanfic exchange. Request was for**: "**If it comes to that..." Angst, death, happy ending in Valinor, self sacrifice.

**Warnings: ** Character death, angst

**Summary: ** On the journey to Valinor, Haldir recalls life on Arda.

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He had pushed too hard, too far, too soon. For a long time he'd wished he'd waited longer to ask, to live in that blissful ignorance for a few more years. Now though, with perfect hindsight, he knew that there would never have been a good time. Ironic, really, that the one asset he thought he could rely on had failed him so completely. Time had failed him. Indeed, it had taunted him. Just as Elladan and Elrohir were readying to make their choice, they had travelled to Helm's Deep with him and joined with Legolas.

He should have been proud. It should have been among his greatest triumphs. They had routed the army of Isengard so thoroughly and against all odds but, though the battle may have been won that day, for him there could have been no greater defeat.

A movement amidships caught his eye, and Haldir rotated to find Elrond watching him with almost paternal concern. The knowing expression only served to twist the knife in his gut. The elven-lord was too forgiving, too compassionate. What had Haldir done for him, but bring him further pain on top of that he already had to endure?

After the war Elrond had decided to postpone sailing, a decision that had surprised everyone. He could not leave his children to suffer alone. What had it cost him, to watch his daughter die as he had once watched his brother before her? Haldir was once again struck by the symmetry between father and son. They had both suffered the loss of siblings. They had both endured the curse of the peredhel. In the end, it always came down to choice.

Not for him, though. What choice had he, that fateful day at Helm's Deep?

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The rain had started suddenly, a few drips spattering here and there before the sky had torn open, releasing a deluge upon them. Haldir blinked the water from his eyelashes. His sharp gaze focussed on the Uruk-hai army approaching, their torches casting unnatural shadows across the landscape.

Beside him stood the twins, their faces grim but their quicksilver eyes alight with a vengeful fire. It was entirely inappropriate, but Haldir thought that Elladan had never looked so beautiful than in that moment. He was poised, each muscle taut with anticipation, his hair braided back from his face to reveal a sharply pointed ear. Haldir could not help but be drawn to a droplet of rain that slowly slid along its curved edge.

Elladan caught his eye and threw him a self-satisfied grin, sly and full of promise. Well, he should be pleased with himself! The dark-haired peredhel had insisted on coming, despite Haldir's vehement arguments to the contrary. And how they had argued! They had shouted and spat and hissed at each other long into the night.

Elladan had been incensed by his grandmother's order to send Haldir to war. He had stormed into Haldir's talan and demanded that he not go.

The warrior in Haldir had flared at the apparent insult. How could Elladan not believe he could carry out this task? The very task Lady Galadriel had personally assigned him? "I am the Marchwarden of Lothlórien and I am sworn to do my Lady's bidding!" He had shouted angrily, as he glared into his lover's equally unyielding countenance. "Would you I renounce that oath?"

The pair had simmered angrily, despairingly, at one another. Elladan could not ask Haldir to sacrifice his honour any more than Haldir had been able to ask Elladan all those years ago. So Elladan had compromised. He had decided to travel to Helm's Deep as well, and where Elladan went, Elrohir was sure to follow.

Aragorn was delivering what was probably a rousing speech. Something about mercy. Haldir decided that the beginning of a battle was hardly the time to be reminiscing or studying his lover's incredibly distracting body. Hmm… next time he would do well to position the twins as far away from him as possible.

A great noise rose from the army gathered on the plain. The Uruk-hai roared and growled and stamped their spears on the ground until the tremors sent vibrations through his feet. His elves remained cool and implacable. They made Haldir proud.

The Uruk-hai pushed forward, advancing on the wall like a swarm of black ants. Haldir felt a thrill as he gave the command to ready their bows. Elladan had always looked particularly fine wielding a bow, he thought idly. Then he bade the first wave of arrows to fly and there was no time to consider his peredhel any longer.

There were no tactics needed in their archery. Thrice the number of elves would not have been enough to stem the seemingly endless horde with arrows alone. As the first Uruk-hai reached the wall, he ordered his Galadhrim to reach for their blades.

Through a cacophonous din of metal on metal, guttural shrieks and the heavy thud of falling bodies, he bellowed his commands. He fought with an efficient grace, dispatching one hideous creature after another after another. All around him he saw his kin moving with similarly lethal form. Time lost all meaning as the battle wore on.

In the confusion he had lost sight of the twins completely. Nor did he see his younger brother, Orophin. He was not worried; Orophin was a consummate warrior. Well, maybe he was a little worried, but he wouldn't tell Orophin that. He'd never live it down.

"Nan barad!"

The cry arose and he snapped his head about to see Aragorn yelling at him.

"Nan barad, Haldir! Nan barad!"

He nodded sharply and whirled again, relaying the command to his elven warriors. An orc appeared before him and he wasted no time in felling it, only to have a second take its place. Haldir suddenly realised he was in a somewhat precarious position. His elves withdrawing to the keep, he fended against the swelling numbers that filled the newly-created gap in their defences.

Fighting on the retreat was never ideal. He was pressed backwards, outnumbered and outmanoeuvred. Out of the corner of his eye he saw another black shape loom up behind him. He needed more time! In a moment of shocking clarity Haldir knew he was going to die. Whether it be by the orc at his front or the one at his back – he could not stave off both at once.

He would not die in vain! With a desperate cry of outrage he lunged forward, gutting the foul creature across the full length of his body, and waited for the blow to fall at his back.

It never came.

An agonised scream rent the air, more piercing than any blade. It cut straight through the heart of every elf present. It was not the cry of the injured or dying; it was a cry of agonised denial. And its originator was familiar.

Haldir whipped about to see the orc that had been behind him dead at his feet, an arrow firmly lodged in its eye. An arrow fletched with red and brown. An Imladrian arrow. Elladan! Dear Valar, where was Elladan?

He ran. Heedless of the bodies he leapt over and the mingled blood and mud that slithered treacherously underfoot, he hurtled blindly towards the source of that scream. As he reached the entrance to the keep he was struck on his side. Orophin was there, holding him tight.

"Haldir, no!" the young Galadhrim gasped, but Haldir was not listening. He could not hear Orophin as his brother continued to speak. He could only hear the twins. He could only see the twins.

One knelt, clutching his brother's hand 'till the knuckles went white, weeping unashamedly. The other lay in a pool of his own blood, a pool that grew ever larger as the moment lengthened. Haldir knew a mortal blow when he saw one. Haldir felt his knees give out, and he sagged limply against Orophin's chest. Words slowly filtered through his shock.

"…wanted you to live, Haldir! Do you hear me? He did this so you could live!"

"What happened?" Haldir had never heard his voice sound so small before.

"He saved your life, **tôr**. He shot the arrow that killed the orc behind you… at the cost of his own defence."

"Let me see him." Haldir shrugged off Orophin's clinging hands and staggered to their side. The dying twin looked up at him and gave him a pained half-smile. It near destroyed Haldir to see it.

"Look after him for me, Haldir," he choked out. He coughed and spat ineffectually, the blood seeping from the corner of his mouth, and Haldir was reminded of their first afternoon together, when he had struck Elladan in anger. He half-expected the peredhel to stand and grin ruefully at him just as he had done back then.

"Look after Elrohir. And Arwen."

"I will. I swear," he answered quickly, struggling to contain his grief.

Elladan coughed again, his breathing a harsh gurgling that formed a pink froth on his lips. He sought out his brother with eyes that fast grew distant. "El…" he sighed, and then the light in his eyes was gone.

"Tôr?" Elrohir wailed, rocking forward to grasp Elladan's lifeless body.

Legolas moved to his side and silently lent his support to the grieving peredhel.

"Tôr?" Elrohir's cries rose into the night. "Where have you gone, tôr? We haven't chosen yet! Where have you gone?"

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	4. Chapter 4

**CHOICES, Haldir/Elladan, (4/4)**

**Disclaimer:** Tolkein's. Not mine.

**Beta:** Jayed & Agie

**Pairing: ** Elladan/Haldir

**Author's Notes: **Written for Ardour in August 2008 fanfic exchange. Request was for**: "**If it comes to that..." Angst, death, happy ending in Valinor, self sacrifice.

**Warnings: ** Character death, angst

**Summary: ** On the journey to Valinor, Haldir recalls life on Arda.

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His hasty promise to his dying lover had tied him to Arda for another hundred and twenty-three years. Between Legolas and Elrond, Elrohir had survived his grief. He had looked after Elrohir as much as the remaining twin had allowed, but at the time his own grief was so near he had almost succumbed himself. It was only his oath to Elladan and his brothers' support that had kept him.

He had taken Elladan's place watching over Arwen. She had been distraught to hear of Elladan's death. No doubt she had assumed she would die long before she could lose either of her brothers. Elrohir comforted her as best he could. It had been difficult for everyone in those early years of the Fourth Age.

Elrohir, he felt, blamed him for Elladan's actions that day. Never mind that Haldir would change it if he could, would never have asked for such a sacrifice from his beloved. It was a long time before Elrohir could look upon Haldir with anything but anger and silent accusations. Now Elrohir's gaze only reflected his own loss and sorrow and, though Elrohir had eventually managed to forgive him, Haldir had never been able to lift that guilt from his own heart.

Perhaps one day he could learn to forget. Valinor would not heal his pain, as it had for so many others. Nothing could do that.

As if reading his thoughts, Elrond joined him gazing out across the length of the bowsprit. Together they strained to see the first glimpse of their new home. Haldir had always admired Elrond. He was wise, benevolent, and possessed a remarkable strength of will. He did not envy him, however. His was a tragic task, to deliver to his wife the news of two of their children's passing

"There it is!" Legolas said suddenly, pointing. Of course Legolas would spot it first. That elf, as Gimli would say, had the eyes of a hawk.

Docking was a burst of activity. As the ship slid alongside the pier, hawsers were hurriedly cast from the bitts to be secured against mooring posts. There was a loud rattle as the cable was released from the cathead, and a heavy splash as they made anchor. Through the flurry of ropes and sails he strained to make out the familiar faces gathered in the crowd below.

Haldir was almost dizzy with anticipation. He would see his brothers again! Tall and striking and darkly charming Orophin. Lithe and quick and gregarious Rumil. Would they still be the same? Would Valinor have changed them?

No sooner was the gangway in place than Legolas was upon it, dragging Elrohir and Gimli behind him. That was typical of him; Legolas was an elf always looking for the next adventure.

Haldir made his way slowly to shore, avoiding the direction Elrohir and his father had taken. It was Rumil who first broke out of the crowd and ran to him with a loud whoop of joy. Haldir could not help but be caught up in his family's obvious delight as they surrounded him. For long minutes it was all hugs, tears and laughter.

Then Orophin grabbed him by the shoulders and held him still. "There's someone else who wants to see you, Haldir," he said with a knowing grin. Disconcertingly, Rumil sported a matching expression.

Now, Haldir may not have seen his little brothers in quite some time, but he knew that when they grinned like that they were definitely up to mischief. "Out with it, Oro!" he snapped with good-natured impatience.

Orophin's grin grew even wider as he looked past Haldir's shoulder.

Haldir turned. "Elroh…?" he began, confused. A strangely familiar lopsided grin greeted him. It was Elrohir but there was warmth and affection in those quicksilver eyes. In the background he saw a tearful Elrond, holding his beloved wife in one arm and an overwhelmed son the other. Haldir forgot how to breathe.

Elladan surged forward. Haldir was nearly knocked off his feet as the peredhel slammed into him and strong arms wrapped about him.

Oakmoss. Haldir found himself reeling as the scent of oakmoss filled his senses, and the pair clung to each other like sailors clinging to the mast of a sinking ship.

Haldir clutched Elladan to him tight, hardly able to believe the evidence beneath his hands, and then it was all lips and fingers and whispered endearments.

"Haldir. Meleth. How I've missed you," Elladan sighed, when the two finally regained some semblance of composure.

"How are you here?" Haldir inspected his love intently, as though afraid he would disappear before his very eyes. "I thought I'd never see you again!"

"I hadn't made my choice when I died," Elladan explained with a rueful chuckle. "Námo made me decide so he would know what to do with me!"

"But your oath! How did you know Elrohir would choose elvenkind?"

"Oh, come now! I knew the moment Legolas arrived in Rivendell. You see the way the two of them look at each other!"

"They always were rather obvious," Haldir said as they ignored the embarrassed protests from the aforementioned couple. "I'm surprised they haven't bound yet."

"Ah, yes, speaking of which… I do believe we once considered that ourselves. If you're still agreeable, that is." Elladan gave Haldir a look full of hesitant, hopeful longing.

Haldir had no words. He had never been any good with words anyway.

Cupping Elladan's jaw and throat in his hands, he drew the dark-haired warrior to him. Elladan's hands settled firmly on his waist and Haldir could have wept at the rightness of it. When their lips met, it was with the practised passion of a centuries-long love. They moved together as one, claimed each other with a surety borne of complete conviction. They had always been bound to each other, Haldir realised in that moment. They had both honoured their silent oath to each other as much as they had any of their spoken ones.

It seemed as though he was not quite free of the peredhel line after all.

.


End file.
